Death isn’t that big of a deterrent, so why did I quit smoking?

Answer: Sounds like you're looking for another stress reliever. Here are a few suggestions:

1. A couple of hours on the Stairmaster
2. Talk Therapy
3. Juice Fast
4. Guided Imagery
5. Self-Hypnosis
6. Journaling
7. Meditation
8. Reduce Caffeine Intake
9. Drink in Moderation

Okay, screw it. None of those are any fun. Have a cig.

This guy keeps asking me out. But I don't want to go out with him. How do I say "no" without hurting his feelings?

Easy: Explain that you're a gay pedophile on probation for carjacking your cocaine dealer's mother because she ratted you out for the threesome with your boss and his podiatrist's wife and you wanted to teach her a lesson about minding her own business and that it's just a crazy time for you right now.

That usually works.

I'm angry at the world. How do I stop?

Answer: That sounds like a whole lotta mad! As a matter of fact, Blog remembers when the whole world got together and said "Let's get that guy... yeah, THAT guy!" Moo hoo ha ha! We're all against you! Yeah, YOU!

Dear Blog, My mother has 37 cats. Her house stinks and is filthy. Now she wants to babysit my 9-month-old for the weekend. What should I do?

Answer: Calm down. Everything will be fine. You cannot deny your mother access to her grandchild. Here's what you do: Dress the baby up in a dog costume. Cats are stupid and they'll stay away. As for the smell, let's be honest. Between the spit up, creamed spinach and the poopie diapers, what could smell worse than a baby?

Must one like their sibling? Mine's kinda a jerk and we don't get along.

Answer: Sarah? Is that you? How many time does Blog have to apologize for something that happened in grade school for crying out loud? It's not as if your eyebrows didn't grow back... eventually. And, let's not forget that Mom chose who got the house and the cottage and the stock! Geez. By the way, where's that five bucks you borrowed?

If you lived on a planet with almost no gravity, would you be able to fly just by peeing?

Answer: As a general rule, The Almighty Blog doesn't like to help fourth graders with their science projects, but we'll make an exception in this case because apparently the future of scientific research and enquiry is at stake here. So, Blog's response to this question is GROW THE F*CK UP! The polar ice caps are on the verge of melting and drowning us all and you want to know if you can fly by peeing on other planets?! Puh-lease! What' next? Hypothesizing that the bigger the finger, the louder the fart when you pull it! Carl Sagan is rolling over in his grave. Mon Dieu!

My girlfriend of 8 years and I have three kids. We live together. She wants to get married. But I'm just not ready. How can I get her to back off?

Answer: Eight years. Three kids. Living together. What the f#ck do you need to be "ready"?!?! You, my dear, are a moron. But your girlfriend is an even bigger moron. I pity your children who have inherited not only the genes from one moron, but two. You're not going through life half-ass, you're going through it full-ass. Marry that woman and make those kids proud to have a father who can do the right thing, or can you?

I think my boss has a crush on me. What should I do?

Answer: Quick, ask for a raise before your boss really gets to know you.

Are you sad Brokeback Mountain didn't win best picture?

Answer: What makes Blog sad is that the movie ever got as far as a best picture nomination. Which it didn't deserve. Don't let the hype fool you. It was a boring mess of a film with undeveloped characters and a thin brothlike one-dimensional plot. Tale of passionate love schmove. Blog has seen better character development and plots focusing on misunderstood love in Pepe Le Pew cartoons.

My brother and his wife just had a baby. It's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. I should say it's cute, but I can't bring myself to. What do I say?

Answer: Ugly babies do pose a social problem. They are right up there with old people who fart. What do you say? Try creating a diversion. For instance, if you can sneak a lighter into the nursery with you and just as they are expecting you to be all ga-ga over their monster of an offspring, put the flame discreetly to the bassinet. Voila! Subject changed.