Studies show that cell phone use increases infertility. Can that really be true?

Answer: Well, would YOU want to have sex with someone talking on the phone?

Did Paul McCartney really beat up Heather Mills?

Answer: As even Ms. Mills' lawyer admits there's no proof, it looks like she doesn't have a leg to stand on... HA HA HA HA!

Sorry.

Dear Blog. I worry about that little boy that Madonna is adopting from Africa. Please tell me he will be okay.

Answer: Hmmmmm. Let's see. Growing up in a castle in prosperous England surrounded by maids and butlers his every need catered to. THAT POOR LITTLE BOY GOOD LORD SOMEONE CALL THE AUTHORITIES!!

Wow Blog, you totally predicted it. John Mark Karr is a free man. What do you think of that?

Answer: Blog thinks the only career now open to Mr. Karr is travel agent. Imagine the money he'll save his clients when his advice will be to buy a one-way ticket to their destination, go sight-seeing, etc. Then confess to having committed a heinous, high-profile crime back in the good old U.S. of A. His clients will be extradited ASAP, put on a plane in first class, treated by the paparazzi like visiting royalty and then set free for no proof of having committed the crime. It's genius.

My husband just confessed that he used to go to hookers before we were married. How can I ever forgive him?

Answer: Sometimes revenge is better than forgiveness. Consider "confessing" that you used to BE a hooker before you two were married. Spin wild tales of the things your "johns" wanted you to do to them and what they would do to you. Arrange for friends to call in the middle of the night. Pick up the phone and say stuff like "No, I'm not providing that service any longer, but it's good to know that my work was so good that I'm still getting referrals..." Develop a rash.

Your husband will never forgive HIMSELF for confessing to you. Moo hoo ha ha!!

What was Mark Foley thinking??!!

Answer: Blog thinks that you meant to ask "With what was Mark Foley thinking?" And, the answer is his head. But not the one that sits on top of his shoulders.

My mother-in-law crochets these ugly blankets in browns and oranges and insists we use them as throws on our blue and green couch. What should I do?

Answer: You ungrateful, ungrateful, ungrateful daughter-in-law. There she goes to all that trouble to crochet something nice for you and all you can do it bitch, bitch, bitch. Blog is so happy we do not have any sons for the fact that in this crazy mixed up world one of 'em coulda ended up with you -- some kinda freak about color coordination.

On the other hand, if she used polyester yarn, you could have a case....