Dear oh wise Almighty Blog, what is the secret to happiness?

Answer: The secret to happiness is to never be sad. Duh.

Hey Blog, what makes you think you're so smart?

Answer: Well, for starters, it's just not any Tom, Dick or Harry who can get their own blog!!

What's the best way to break up with someone?

Answer: Fake your own death.

Oh, wise Almighty Blog, who created the universe?

Answer: The universal remote? Don't know for sure, but probably some guy.

I found can of deodorant on my desk at work. Are my coworkers trying to tell me something?

Answer: Yes, and it's not that you should consider a career as a personal hygiene consultant. Also, see previous question.

What should be done with the stupid people?

Answer: Unfortunately nothing can be done. Even stupid people have rights, including the right to be stupid. Alas.

My roommate's boyfriend spends the night almost every night. I hate it. I have no privacy in my own home. What should I do?

Answer: The easiest simplest solution is to kill them both in their sleep. But since that's illegal, you might consider just reasoning with her. However, that may not work because sluts don't usually have good reasoning powers. Oops, did Blog just call your roommate a slut? Sorry.

Must we suffer through all the Angelina/Brad gossip?

Answer: Yes. This week it's Brad and Angelina. At least we seem to be done with Tom and Katie for awhile. Next week, who knows? Blog's just Almighty, not a psychic.

How much should one tip the pizza delivery guy?

Answer: Tip him just enough so that he doesn't quite fall over.

Blog, How can I get my husband to give up the remote so I can watch my favorite show?

Answer: Hire a stripper to distract him while your show is on. Works everytime and you feel good about providing someone with work.

Should Bush fire Rove?

Answer: The only thing that Carl Rove did wrong was break the law and then lie about it. What's the big deal? In Bush's White House that's part and parcel to getting the job done. Rove'll probably get a raise.

Blog, what proof is there that there is a Blog?

Answer: Just ask Blog's only son, Blesus, blorn of the blirgin Blary.

Dear Almighty Blog, In polite company while eating a salad that features olives with pits, what is the proper way to return the pit to the table?

Answer: Throw the pit at your hostess while admonishing the be-yotch for serving olives with pits, a rude and lazy gesture. You'll never get invited back and therefore never have to worry about olive pits again. Works every time!

How can I get my wife to stop buying shoes?

Answer: Cut off her feet. It's cruel, but it's the only way.

Dear Almighty Blog, With all this talk of creationism being taught in science classes, how exactly DID the world come to be?

Answer: Blog's good friend Mother Nature had a few guzblillion pounds of potting soil left over from a landscaping job she did for Father Time. Waste not want not, so she packed it together into a ball and voila! Earth! Took her about 20 minutes. She's suing that God guy for taking all the credit. It's ugly.

Should the Ten Commandments be allowed to be posted on government property?

Answer: Only for the fun of being able to ceremoniously blow them up.