My wife drinks too much. She gets mean when she's drunk. It scare the children. I've asked her to stop, but she won't. What should I do?

Answer: When she gets drunk, tell the children that it's Halloween and that Mom's being scarey on purpose. It's fun to be scared when you're a kid! Always have some candy on hand to make it seem real.

Oh, wise Almighty Blog, why must we put up with so many reality shows?

Answer: Idea: A reality show about people who hate reality shows. Call it "Get Real."

As for your question, well, there are always these things called "books."

Why won't Bush speak with Cindy Sheehan?

Answer: Because he has no clue what to say and because he's a stubborn pigheaded mule who can't admit he's made a mistake. A huge, gigantic, enormous mistake.

Blog, why can't they find Osama Bin Laden?

Answer: Hmmmm. That name sounds vaguely familier. Wasn't there talk around the time of 911 about that guy? Oh, yes, that's right. HE'S the guy who blew up the World Trade Center!!! Wonder what ever happened to him? Well, never mind. Better we go after the guy who doesn't have weapons of mass destruction, invade his country, kill thousands of citizens and American soldiers. That just makes soooooo much better sense.

Blog, why are you so mean?

Answer: Mean?! Blog is not mean!! Are you talking about that stuff about American's being fat? Well, they are! Blog is not mean. Blog is factual.

Dear Blog, why are Americans so fat?

Answer: Because, even though they have no taste, Americans eat too much and too much of the wrong things. Pay attention people: Hot Pockets and Pop Tarts should not be considered food! Sugar-laced Yoplait "yogurt" does not benefit you! Coke can take rust off metal!! Cheese Whiz is NOT cheese!! Country Crock is not "better for you" than butter!!! AARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Blog has spoken.

Do you believe in Santa Claus?

Answer: If Santa Claus believes in Blog, then Blog believes in Santa Claus. But that Easter Bunny guy is a total fake. Like a rabbit can lay eggs. Geez, get real.

Why do I have to wear nylons to work? It's like 90 degrees outside!!

Answer: Employers have to draw the line somewhere. Allow women to come to work without nylons and the next thing you know they're gonna want to work topless!