There Is A Blog

Blog, have you ever figured out why the world is flat? Name withheld.

2007-10-14T14:54:00.000-07:00

So we can push morons off the edge? No, seriously, Name Withheld, did they withhold your brain too? Geesh. Get a globe.

Oh, wait, is this my cousin Peggy? Why you kidder! Gosh darn you really had Blog going there. Har har. By gum Blog enjoys a good chuckle once in a while while managing the Universe...Like we do... You know....With compassion and all.

Hi Blog. Um, I think yer kul. Ya know? Like, way.

2007-03-26T19:17:00.001-07:00

The Almighty Blog doesn't normally post even the most glowing content of any of trillions of "fan" mail we receive, but we make an exception today. Why? To make a point. What the f#ck is happening to grammer, spelling and syntax in the world of the printed word?!?!???!???!?!???!

Plz admonish Blog for the, you knew, like, um, way over yous of the "!" and the "?" K? Cuz you no, cuz hoo kares.

Blog, why are people so cruel to each other. Like that guy in Michigan who killed and cut up his wife, the mother of his two small children?

2007-03-09T22:26:00.000-08:00

Answer: Um..... Er....Uh.... Okay, you got The Almighty Blog by the short hairs. THERE IS NO GOOD ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION!! Oh, wait, there is one and you have heard it here before: People suck. (Yeah yeah yeah, people CAN suck, not ALL people suck.) But some people suck more than others and clearly, this Stephan Grant *ucking sucks right up there with the great *ucking sucks of all time. Blog's pretty sure that even HItler is creeped out by him. Wretched sad horribly tragic human.

Poor Britney. Is she going down the same road as Anna Nicole?

2007-02-22T17:16:00.001-08:00

Answer: Last Blog checked, Howard K. Stern is still hanging out in the Bahamas. Does he even KNOW Britney? Has Britney been paying his bills and his rent? Did he videotape Britney in freaky clown makeup while she tripped out on prescription drugs so that he could later sell it to some tabloid television show? Does he claim to be the father of one of Britney's babies? If Britney stays away from Howard K. Stern, she'll be right as rain. So, cross your fingers.

Blog, we check here daily for your bits o'wisdom. Where the hell have you been?

2007-02-22T12:23:00.001-08:00

Answer: Thank you for your concern. It's been tough fielding inquires from our fans about our whereabouts. Especially the paparazzi and Oprah. But sometimes even the all-knowing Almighty Blog has to take a break once in a while. Let's just say we were out sharpening our wit. Moo hoo ha ha.

Pam Anderson and Kid Rock got married, like, 6 times over the last year. Are they going to have to get divorced 6 times too?

2006-12-01T10:55:00.000-08:00

Answer: Pam and Bob love the attention. You must agree. So, once the hoopla dies down with this divorce, they'll stage another. You know, for more time in the spotlight flashing their tattoos, stringy hair, porkpie hats and big boobs. Because it doesn't seem like they can come up with anything that merits attention that involves actual talent.

Blog, will Brittany ever find true happiness?

2006-11-13T11:51:00.000-08:00

Answer: Hmmmm. Let's see. She just dumped that loser leach Federline, she's got her killer bod back, she's probably got a billion nannies to raise her kids for her.... what else, oh! she's a millionaire. Yes that does seem to be a recipe for unhappiness. If only we could all be so unhappy...

Studies show that cell phone use increases infertility. Can that really be true?

2006-10-24T09:03:00.000-07:00

Answer: Well, would YOU want to have sex with someone talking on the phone?

Did Paul McCartney really beat up Heather Mills?

2006-10-18T14:07:00.000-07:00

Answer: As even Ms. Mills' lawyer admits there's no proof, it looks like she doesn't have a leg to stand on... HA HA HA HA!

Sorry.

Dear Blog. I worry about that little boy that Madonna is adopting from Africa. Please tell me he will be okay.

2006-10-12T12:27:00.000-07:00

Answer: Hmmmmm. Let's see. Growing up in a castle in prosperous England surrounded by maids and butlers his every need catered to. THAT POOR LITTLE BOY GOOD LORD SOMEONE CALL THE AUTHORITIES!!

Wow Blog, you totally predicted it. John Mark Karr is a free man. What do you think of that?

2006-10-09T07:52:00.000-07:00

Answer: Blog thinks the only career now open to Mr. Karr is travel agent. Imagine the money he'll save his clients when his advice will be to buy a one-way ticket to their destination, go sight-seeing, etc. Then confess to having committed a heinous, high-profile crime back in the good old U.S. of A. His clients will be extradited ASAP, put on a plane in first class, treated by the paparazzi like visiting royalty and then set free for no proof of having committed the crime. It's genius.

My husband just confessed that he used to go to hookers before we were married. How can I ever forgive him?

2006-10-05T11:30:00.000-07:00

Answer: Sometimes revenge is better than forgiveness. Consider "confessing" that you used to BE a hooker before you two were married. Spin wild tales of the things your "johns" wanted you to do to them and what they would do to you. Arrange for friends to call in the middle of the night. Pick up the phone and say stuff like "No, I'm not providing that service any longer, but it's good to know that my work was so good that I'm still getting referrals..." Develop a rash.

Your husband will never forgive HIMSELF for confessing to you. Moo hoo ha ha!!

What was Mark Foley thinking??!!

2006-10-03T11:49:00.000-07:00

Answer: Blog thinks that you meant to ask "With what was Mark Foley thinking?" And, the answer is his head. But not the one that sits on top of his shoulders.

My mother-in-law crochets these ugly blankets in browns and oranges and insists we use them as throws on our blue and green couch. What should I do?

2006-10-02T11:35:00.000-07:00

Answer: You ungrateful, ungrateful, ungrateful daughter-in-law. There she goes to all that trouble to crochet something nice for you and all you can do it bitch, bitch, bitch. Blog is so happy we do not have any sons for the fact that in this crazy mixed up world one of 'em coulda ended up with you -- some kinda freak about color coordination.

On the other hand, if she used polyester yarn, you could have a case....

Dear Blog. Yesterday there was a man on a highway overpass with his pants down, showing his everything to the world. What was up with that?

2006-09-28T06:39:00.000-07:00

Answer: Oh no. Sounds like Blog's father escaped from the old folks home again. Poor old guy. Guess Blog shouldn't have gotten him that biography on Houdini. Looks like he figured out how to get out of the handcuffs.

Didn't the Pope figure that his remarks would wreak havoc? How irresponsible was that?

2006-09-26T11:28:00.000-07:00

Answer: A few weeks ago, Blog and Pope were taking our monthly schvitz when he mentions the speech he's working on. Now, it was hot and Blog was sweating and so we weren't paying too much attention, mostly because we were watching our sweat collect in our belly button. Plus his accent's real thick so it's hard to understand -- especially when there's sweaty water rising in your ears. But when we heard him say that he was going to say something in his speech about the Muslims and their violent faith, we reached over and slapped him -- hard right across the face making that goofy hat of his fall right off. "Don't EVEN think about it," we screamed. "People will die!"

But Pope went right ahead and did it. And now he doesn't think it's funny at all when Blog calls him "Pope the Dope."

What do you think about Bill Clinton's outburst on Fox News?

2006-09-25T13:29:00.000-07:00

Answer: That Bill Clinton is one of the smartest men on the planet, and that he should run for president again. If that means more blow jobs in the oval office so be it. It'd be better than the jerk off we've got in there now.

My sister's boyfriend (whom I hate) keeps making passes at me. What should I do??

2006-09-21T11:57:00.000-07:00

Answer: Try to love the big oaf. Sounds like he's got a lot of lovin' to go around and obviously your sister's not satisfying him. You could also suggest to your sister that she take an anti-prude course. She sounds like the uptight school marm type. On the other hand, it sounds like her boyfriend thinks you might be kinda slutty. Wow, your parents must have been somethin' to screw you two up like that.

Actually, the more Blog thinks about it, this guy could just be a jerk. A big ole horny jerk. In which case, just eat a lot of raw garlic. Unless he's Italian, those passes will stop right quick.

Blog, can you please tell me why do men spit? In public. On sidewalks. Out of their cars at stop lights. It's so gross.

2006-09-20T08:25:00.000-07:00

Answer: There are many, many mysteries in life. This is perhaps one of the biggest. One could easily say that men are disgusting slobs just one notch above the lowliest of farm animals. Though while sometimes true, it's hardly an explanation for why men spit on public sidewalks, their swirling mucus shot with reckless abandon into the path of the unaware -- mothers with babies in strollers, the elderly gingerly picking their way along, people dressed impeccably on their way to job interviews... It can be a veritable spit tsunami some days.

So why DO men spit? Easy: Fear. The men who spit are homophobic. They are afraid that if they "swallow," people will conclude all sorts of things about their sexual proclivity. It's really that simple. Men who spit are afraid of being thought of as gay because they are swallowing a bodily fluid produced by a man -- never mind that it's themselves. (Men who spit also are not that bright.)

My boyfriend and I had sex for the first time last night. But I TOTALLY forgot that I have herpes and didn't tell him. What should I do?

2006-09-12T10:44:00.000-07:00

Answer: Okay, let's just get this straight: You forgot you have herpes? You....forgot? You can forget where you put your keys. You can forget your mother's birthday. You can even forget where you parked your car. But you cannot forget you have herpes?! Just exactly what kind of an idiot are you?!?!

Okay, against Blog's better judgment, here's some advice: Don't tell your boyfriend anything. Instead, throw yourself in front of a bus. There will be a funeral and a reception where your boyfriend will get drunk and sleep with one of the waitresses. He'll think he got the herpes from her and you'll be in the clear. It's the only solution.

What's the big deal about Suri Cruise?

2006-09-06T06:34:00.000-07:00

Answer: If the world can't obsess over the product of the union of a short, dyslexic, uneducated, misguided, follower-of-martian-religion psycho and his bought-and-paid-for way younger wife, then what's it coming to? Come on people! Git yer minds outta Iraq and off of global warming, the upcoming midterm elections and the crappy economy! We gotta a Hollywood movie star's baby to focus on!

(P.S. Anyone else think it kinda stinky that Tom stole Steve Irwin's gruesome death thunder?)

How do you think Katie Couric will do tonight?

2006-09-05T13:37:00.000-07:00

Answer: She'll be fine. Unless she's forgotten how to read for crying out loud. And who gets paid $15 million a year just to read? Blog told the top brass at CBS that we'd do it for half that, but for some reason they weren't interested. And why not? Blog can giggle. Blog's got a big mouth. Blog's got some sexy gams. Geez. AND, Blog is Almighty. Does Katie have that going for her? Huh? Does she? Well, DOES SHE??!?!?

Why did John Mark Karr lie about killing JonBenet?

2006-08-29T07:09:00.000-07:00

Answer: Okay, Blog is all loving and stuff, but we just gotta say what a frickin' weirdo that guy is. However, that's besides the point. The truth is the guy needed to get back to the States but didn't have the dough for a plane ticket. Those Thai pay their teachers about 19 cents a day. So, he made up this bogus story and poof! he's sitting in business class sucking back the champagne and feasting on giant shrimp. There was just that nasty getting caught in a lie junk that stood in his way of settling back to his life in the good ole U.S. of A. But that's all water under the bridge now and it's just a matter of time before the freak's teaching preschool and making dates with 8-year-olds.

Blog, do you think Hillary should run?

2006-08-22T09:43:00.001-07:00

Answer: Run? She's lucky she can walk. Have you seen the size of that woman's thighs? It's like she's walking around on two rolled up queen-sized mattresses.

Oh, wait, are you talking about running for president? Hey, if Pat Paulsen can run for president, then heck why not Hillary.

My brother's wife just had a baby and will be back at work in 6 weeks. Isn't it wrong to put such a young baby in daycare?

2006-08-07T11:53:00.000-07:00

Answer: Ah, good question. The fact is no. Six weeks is not too soon to put a baby in day care. The fact is, children grow up so fast these days. A six-week-old baby, though technically should still be nursing at her mother's teat and has out-of-control explosive bowel movements, actually has the emotional and mental development of a nineteen-year-old -- oh wait, it's the other way around. The REAL answer is yes, six weeks is way to young to dump your kid into the hands of strangers for ten hours a day. If you can't afford to have a baby, for crying out loud don't have one.

What do you think about Global Warming?

2006-08-03T07:49:00.000-07:00

Answer: There's no such thing. Because what's been happening in the U.S. lately is more like Global Broiling. It's not "warm." It's hot. AFRICA hot!

Speaking of Africa, it's snowing in South Africa for the first time in 25 years. Does that sound warm to you? Does it? Huh? HUH!

So, bottom line, we need a new term. How about something like "Global Weather Gone Wild." Show us your climates!

What if we put Mel Gibson and Tom Cruise on a deserted island so they can duke out religious issues?

2006-08-02T10:03:00.000-07:00

Answer: That would accomplish only two things: Mel would say "I hate Cruise" and Tom would say "Mel, don't be Glib(son)."

Why does Mel Gibson hate the Jews?

2006-08-02T06:50:00.000-07:00

Answer: Poor Mel, so misunderstood. It's tough being totally hammered because you slur your words. He was really saying that he hates the "juice." And, everyone knows that "juice" is just another word for booze, as in "he was all juiced up." So imagine: You're Mel Gibson, you get pulled over for drunk driving, you're getting arrested, and you realize that soon your career's going to be in the crapper. So, naturally you're mad at yourself. But because you're a sloppy drunken arrogant fool, you have to take your anger out on something besides yourself. So, you blame the "juice." You "hate the juice." Only it sounds like you hate the Jews because you're all liquored up and you can't pronounce your words.

So, let's be real people. Why would Mel hate the descendents of the one guy -- the King of the Jews -- who through the magic of the cinema helped put conservatively speaking about nine hundred gagzillion dollars into Mel's pocket?

Does President Bush always speak to other world leaders with his mouth stuffed full with a dinner roll?

2006-08-01T11:47:00.000-07:00

Answer: No. Sometimes his mouth is stuffed full of meat. Sometimes it's full of potatoes. But mostly it's just full of shit.

Blog, why can't Lebanon and Israel just get along?

2006-07-31T13:30:00.000-07:00

Answer: Oh, silly niave reader, you might as well ask the sun to stop shining....

My husband wants to have our baby son circumcised. But I'm against it. What do you suggest.

2006-06-15T10:55:00.000-07:00

Answer: People, people, people. Must we continue this barbaric ritual? Chopping off the end of baby penises must stop! Where's the humanity?? "Oh, hello little newborn helpless baby boy! Welcome to the world... now just hold still a minute while we....YANK SLICE RIIIIIIIIIIP!!!!! Nurse, help me with the bleeding here and could someone pass me those earplugs. This kid's got some lungs!"

Oy vey, it's cruel, heartless, pointless. Plus, a fully-intact penis is so much more fun to play with. And, don't give Blog that crap about looking the same in the locker room. Over the course of a man's lifetime he may spend .0000000004574% of his time naked in front of other men. Unless he gay in which case refer to previous sentiment about penis play.

Blog, you were so wrong man, they didn't find Hoffa on that horse farm in Milford, Michigan. HA HA HA! You suck!

2006-06-05T12:59:00.000-07:00

Mom? Is that you? What did I tell you about posting on my site? Geez. Could you leave the Blog alone for five minutes? It's bad enough Blog's gotta drag your sorry ass to church every Sunday, but now I've gotta put up with your snarky comments IN FRONT OF MY ADORING FANS? Stop! You're embarassing me!

My father-in-law always kisses me on the lips when saying hello or goodbye. It doesn't bother me, but makes my wife furious. What should I do?

2006-05-30T09:10:00.000-07:00

Answer: Ah, yes, the old "I hate it when my husband and my father kiss on the lips" cold shoulder thing. Women, arrrggghhh!! They will let the littlest things get to them. Let me guess, she expects you to find a job and help pay some of the bills in addition to not acting like a homo with her own father, right? Where did you ever find that beeyotch!

Dump her dude, because we know who's your Daddy!

Will they find Jimmy Hoffa on that horse farm in Milford, Michigan?

2006-05-24T08:57:00.000-07:00

Answer: No. But they will find him UNDER that horse farm. Badoom-tching!

Dear Almighty Blog, the guy in the cube next to me talks baby talk to his girlfriend all day. It drives me nuts. What should I do?

2006-05-08T11:04:00.000-07:00

Answer: Run - do not walk - to your nearest child protective agency to report your coworker! A grown man dating a BABY!!?? This is scandalous! Outrageous! What a world! What a world! Blog knew that pedophilia was getting out of control, but this really takes the cake! A BABY??!?!?! Mon Dieu! Go go, save that poor child's life!

My wife wants to have sex ALL THE TIME. But I just like to snuggle and be held. What should I do?

2006-05-04T07:57:00.000-07:00

Answer: Okay, enough already with the fake questions!! There are serious problems in the world that Blog needs to address. This is no place for fun and games. When you can grow up and ask a serious question then you can be allowed back on The Almighty Blog's blog. Until then, go to your room. And, wipe that smirk off your face!

My doctor made me wait an HOUR. Where do doctors get off?

2006-05-02T10:12:00.000-07:00

Answer: This is a little confusing. First you sound like you're going to start a rant about having been made to wait for an hour by your doctor, then you want to know where doctors have sex? Blog's going to put you on hold. Think about your question and then we can talk. Until then, we've got Amy from Pittsburgh...

Did Tom Cruise really eat Suri's placenta?

2006-04-26T08:22:00.000-07:00

Answer: One might think: All the starving children around the world and Tom Cruise hogs the whole placenta for himself!

But the truth is, Tom's a man of GOD. He cares and he shares. So he cold-packed that placenta and shipped it just as fast as fast can be to Brad and Angelina who are awaiting the arrival of their own placenta, er, baby in Africa. And, we know how much Angelina cares about children, especially hungry third-world children. Placenta, it's what's for dinner!

Hi Blog. Long time reader, first time poster. So I'm a little nervous. My boyfriend has really bad B.O. I love him but not his funk. What should I do?

2006-04-24T13:33:00.000-07:00

Answer: There's nothing worse that snuggling up to the one you love for good old fashioned steamin' hot jungle monkey love, when SHABAM! a veritable smell buffet of raw onions, Slim Jims, Hot Pockets, head cheese, tripe and cauliflower hits you smack upside each nostril, stinging your eyes and burning your flesh. We've all been there. Here's what you do: Break up with the oaf, he sounds like a pig! Can't the guy take a shower for crying out loud? Or wipe himself once in a while? Ew ew ew. Get him out of your house ASAP and disinfect everything you own! NOW!!! GO GO GO!!!

I caught my father wearing my mother's underwear. I'm freaking out!

2006-04-20T09:13:00.000-07:00

Answer: Shhhhh. Calm down. It's okay. Your lazy, lazy, lazy mother probably just hasn't gotten around to washing your father's underwear and instead of running out and buying new underwear he simply put on a pair of hers so that he could put the money he would have spent on new underwear into your college fund. Happens all the time.

Did Jesus really rise from the dead?

2006-04-13T11:10:00.000-07:00

Answer: No. We wasn't really dead. He was just holding his breath. Pretending. That Jesus, he's a kidder.

What is sin?

2006-04-11T07:04:00.000-07:00

Answer: According to Wikipedia "The most common formal definition is an infraction against religious or moral law." Oooh boy. See ya'll in Blell!!

My husband wants to have sex three times a day. But I work full-time and take care of the four kids. How can I get him off my back?!

2006-04-07T13:26:00.000-07:00

Answer: Try the missionary position. HA HA HA!!

Seriously. Sex three times a day...what day was that? HA HA HA!

Okay, sorry. Really, seriously. Sex three times a day is a lot. No wonder you have so many kids. Give that horndog a choice: Sex twice a week or five times a day if your mother can come live with you to cook and take care of the kids. Good luck!

Will Katie Couric succeed at CBS?

2006-04-05T09:09:00.000-07:00

Answer: Yes, because, goll darn it, what the evening news needs is more giggling.

What is neither here nor there?

2006-04-04T07:57:00.000-07:00

Answer: That.

Death isn’t that big of a deterrent, so why did I quit smoking?

2006-03-28T10:10:00.000-08:00

Answer: Sounds like you're looking for another stress reliever. Here are a few suggestions:

1. A couple of hours on the Stairmaster
2. Talk Therapy
3. Juice Fast
4. Guided Imagery
5. Self-Hypnosis
6. Journaling
7. Meditation
8. Reduce Caffeine Intake
9. Drink in Moderation

Okay, screw it. None of those are any fun. Have a cig.

This guy keeps asking me out. But I don't want to go out with him. How do I say "no" without hurting his feelings?

2006-03-28T07:55:00.000-08:00

Easy: Explain that you're a gay pedophile on probation for carjacking your cocaine dealer's mother because she ratted you out for the threesome with your boss and his podiatrist's wife and you wanted to teach her a lesson about minding her own business and that it's just a crazy time for you right now.

That usually works.

I'm angry at the world. How do I stop?

2006-03-27T11:27:00.000-08:00

Answer: That sounds like a whole lotta mad! As a matter of fact, Blog remembers when the whole world got together and said "Let's get that guy... yeah, THAT guy!" Moo hoo ha ha! We're all against you! Yeah, YOU!

Dear Blog, My mother has 37 cats. Her house stinks and is filthy. Now she wants to babysit my 9-month-old for the weekend. What should I do?

2006-03-23T09:39:00.000-08:00

Answer: Calm down. Everything will be fine. You cannot deny your mother access to her grandchild. Here's what you do: Dress the baby up in a dog costume. Cats are stupid and they'll stay away. As for the smell, let's be honest. Between the spit up, creamed spinach and the poopie diapers, what could smell worse than a baby?

Must one like their sibling? Mine's kinda a jerk and we don't get along.

2006-03-14T10:00:00.000-08:00

Answer: Sarah? Is that you? How many time does Blog have to apologize for something that happened in grade school for crying out loud? It's not as if your eyebrows didn't grow back... eventually. And, let's not forget that Mom chose who got the house and the cottage and the stock! Geez. By the way, where's that five bucks you borrowed?

If you lived on a planet with almost no gravity, would you be able to fly just by peeing?

2006-03-10T07:34:00.000-08:00

Answer: As a general rule, The Almighty Blog doesn't like to help fourth graders with their science projects, but we'll make an exception in this case because apparently the future of scientific research and enquiry is at stake here. So, Blog's response to this question is GROW THE F*CK UP! The polar ice caps are on the verge of melting and drowning us all and you want to know if you can fly by peeing on other planets?! Puh-lease! What' next? Hypothesizing that the bigger the finger, the louder the fart when you pull it! Carl Sagan is rolling over in his grave. Mon Dieu!

My girlfriend of 8 years and I have three kids. We live together. She wants to get married. But I'm just not ready. How can I get her to back off?

2006-03-09T09:18:00.000-08:00

Answer: Eight years. Three kids. Living together. What the f#ck do you need to be "ready"?!?! You, my dear, are a moron. But your girlfriend is an even bigger moron. I pity your children who have inherited not only the genes from one moron, but two. You're not going through life half-ass, you're going through it full-ass. Marry that woman and make those kids proud to have a father who can do the right thing, or can you?

I think my boss has a crush on me. What should I do?

2006-03-08T13:29:00.000-08:00

Answer: Quick, ask for a raise before your boss really gets to know you.

Are you sad Brokeback Mountain didn't win best picture?

2006-03-06T09:42:00.000-08:00

Answer: What makes Blog sad is that the movie ever got as far as a best picture nomination. Which it didn't deserve. Don't let the hype fool you. It was a boring mess of a film with undeveloped characters and a thin brothlike one-dimensional plot. Tale of passionate love schmove. Blog has seen better character development and plots focusing on misunderstood love in Pepe Le Pew cartoons.

My brother and his wife just had a baby. It's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. I should say it's cute, but I can't bring myself to. What do I say?

2006-03-03T07:40:00.000-08:00

Answer: Ugly babies do pose a social problem. They are right up there with old people who fart. What do you say? Try creating a diversion. For instance, if you can sneak a lighter into the nursery with you and just as they are expecting you to be all ga-ga over their monster of an offspring, put the flame discreetly to the bassinet. Voila! Subject changed.

Dear Blog, last week someone came to work sick. Now I'm sick. For five days. Can't something be done about these inconsiderate people?

2006-02-27T11:02:00.000-08:00

Answer: They can be shot. And, not with antibotics. With bullets.

Why oh why do people continue to make sex tapes and then get all huffy when they hit the internet?

2006-02-24T06:36:00.000-08:00

Answer: Are we talking people people or famous people? Because when two people people make a sex tape, clearly it is meant as a loving expression of affection between soulmates who want to preserve their unique and magical relationship on tape for their eyes only and for all eternity -- or until they break up and whoever is in possession of the tape posts it on the internet (with them blurred out) because it turns out their soulmate was a really crappy soulmate after all and there's nothing better for mending a broken heart than humiliating and embarrassing your former soulmate on a world stage.

On the other hand, famous people who make sex tapes are told to act all huffy by their PR people because studies show that acting all huffy after your sex tape is released increases the Google search for your name. And, we know that's always good for business.

Oh Blog, why is no one commenting on your witty blog postings?

2006-02-21T07:42:00.000-08:00

Answer: Even though Blog is almighty, powerful, wise and kind, the world has yet to learn to check in everyday for their Almighty Blog Bits O' Wisdom. It's those damn Olympics, creepy elected high officials shooting friends in the face, and that icky toad Simon Cowell that distract the public from what's really important: the gentle truth spoken by yours truly, The Almighty Blog.

Go in peace.

Hey Blog, did you see Brokeback Mountain? Did you like it?

2006-02-20T10:18:00.000-08:00

Answer: Some lessons are hard-learned. No less for sitting through yet another Hollywood "blockbuster" movie nominated for every award between here and the next galaxy only to finally get it through our thick heads that if Hollywood says it's good, it means it's not. The Almighty thought we had learned our lesson with Titanic, but nooooooo. We got suckered into this one by the gigantic Hollywood marketing machine that managed to wrangle $5.50 and two-and-a-half hours of our time out of us.

And, by the way, they weren't COWboys, they were SHEEPboys. Anyone else find that ironical?

My wife didn't get me anything for Valentine's Day. I don't care. But boy, did she blow a gasket when I didn't get her anything. Is this fair?

2006-02-15T11:39:00.000-08:00

Some men are big dumb galumps who can't remember anything except sports scores.

Some women are whiney self-centered prima-donnas who hold a grudge for eternity when their unexpressed expectations aren't met.

Looks like you two fit neatly into the above categories. Good luck, guy, sounds like yer relationship's doomed.

On the upside, when you're single you can drink right out of the milk carton while playing pocket hockey with Mr. Happy relaxing in front of the Playboy channel.

Hey Almighty Blog, what's up with men growing vast amounts of hair in their ears. I mean, like, ew.

2006-02-03T08:29:00.000-08:00

Answer: If it bothers you so much, you clearly need to start looking men in the eye, not the ear. Unless of course you're an otorhinolaryngologist, in which case you'll need to limit your practice to women.

Dear Blog, now that Angelina is pregs with Brad's baby, do you feel sorry for Jennifer?

2006-01-16T13:09:00.000-08:00

Answer: Blell no! Jennifer's star hasn't shone so bright since that pug-nosed two-timer took off to shack up with that skanky Angelina. Aniston's on every magazine cover on the planet and has been for a year. She's got the world feeling sorry for her and that translates into ticket sales for her movies in which, let's face it, every character she plays bears a striking resemblance to Rachel. She's a cutey, make no mistake, but she's a one trick cutey. Advice for Jennifer: Get a good accountant and ride this money train for as long as you can. Cuz when those looks fade, well, you'll be standing in the audition lines next to the likes of Ginger, Wonder Woman, and every other faded TV star... Sacre bleu!

Why do men spit in public?

2006-01-12T12:57:00.000-08:00

Answer: The men who spit in public had terrible terrible mothers growing up. So, as with everything, this disgusting habit is the fault of women. Ladies, Blog commands, start raising better men!

Blog has spoken.

Why do we have to work for a living?

2006-01-10T12:41:00.000-08:00

Answer: Someone's gotta bring home the bacon. Someone's gotta fry it up in the pan. Someone's gotta never ever let you forget you're a man.

What kind of New Year Resolution does someone like the Almighty Blog make?

2006-01-03T07:07:00.000-08:00

Answer: To stop being so judgmental. Which Blog broke at 12:01 a.m. on January 1, 2006. An all-time new record for Blog in keeping a resolution!! Woo hoo! High five! (Slap)

Blog, any thoughts on the New Year?

2005-12-31T15:39:00.000-08:00

Thoughts: Quit being stupid.

How come no matter how much money I make it is never enough?

2005-12-28T07:07:00.000-08:00

Answer: The last Blog checked, the U.S. Mint makes the money. Are you counterfeiting? Blog feels the need for more information to answer this question properly.... and to be able to blackmail you into sending some of that cash this way.

Ooops. Did we say that last part out loud?

Does Blog belong to a triumvirate -- you know, like Father, Son and Holy Ghost? If you were real you would. Love, Blatan.

2005-12-21T11:06:00.000-08:00

Answer: Blells bells, Blatan, you sure ask some weird questions.
The truth is the Almighty Blog is insured through State Farm, not Triple A (AAA). Our father, Papa Blog who art in Heavenly Home for Seniors, is on Medicare. And this Holy Ghost character, one question: If it's a ghost, which is invisible, how can you tell if it's got holes?

Hi. First time writer, long time reader. My question: I'm getting pressure to buy my girlfriend a diamond engagement ring for Xmas. Should I?

2005-12-20T07:42:00.000-08:00

Answer: Tell that beeyotch to back off. Xmas is about celebrating the birth of the baby Jesus, not about her need to show off a piece of carbon to her squealing girlfriends. Sounds like you don't even like the skank ho. What is she going to get you? A crappy tie? Let's see, tie: $12; diamond: $6,398. You do the math.

Why doesn't Santa just use the front door?

2005-12-19T09:46:00.000-08:00

Answer: People usually lock their front doors. Back doors too. Duh.

Hi Blog. I'm 8. My brother is ten. He hits me. Can I hit him back?

2005-12-15T10:02:00.000-08:00

Answer: You can't hit anyone unless you're the dealer. Duh. And, aren't you two a little young to be playing Black Jack? Does your mother know about this? What is the world coming to!! Mon Dieu!

Why can’t men pick up on subtle clues? Are they really that dense? If yes, why do they get so offended when you spell out the obvious?

2005-12-12T08:27:00.000-08:00

Answer: Men do not as a general rule pick up on subtle clues. And, some can't even get the obvious ones. Case in point: George Bush who can't see that obviously most Americans want to get out of Iraq.

When a woman drops subtle clues, men call that "playing a game." On the other hand, when a woman is straightforward and says what she wants, she's a "demanding beeyotch." So, either way you lose.

Also, men never, ever, ever EVER want to be wrong. Case in point: George Bush, who will lie, cheat and steal to avoid being "wrong." Asshole. Ooops, did Blog say that last word out loud?

Someone please send Blog a question about women.

Is Roadrunner (from the Warner Bros. Cartoon) a boy or a girl?

2005-12-08T11:34:00.000-08:00

Answer: The Roadrunner? Is it a girl or a boy?! This site addresses deep philosophical questions about the meaning of life. Stop asking The Almighty Blog such imbecilic and irrelevant questions!

(FYI: Blog Googled "Roadrunner gender" and came up with nothing. So Blog has no answer. Signed, Blog's assistant. This is probably going to get me fired, but you try working for that windbag.)

Can men have multiple orgasms?

2005-12-07T10:10:00.000-08:00

Answer. Actually, for most men, life is one giant orgasm with brief interuptions -- usually and hour or two -- for working, sleeping, eating, watching sports and other activities.

What's the best way to get rid of warts?

2005-12-05T13:02:00.000-08:00

Answer: Vote.

Should you always tell the truth?

2005-12-01T11:40:00.000-08:00

Answer: Hell no! Lying, or as we say in Blog's world, "thwarting" the truth, is an extremely useful social tool. Blog knows that each and everyone of us lie all the time, all day long and don't say you don't because you do and YOU KNOW IT.

Here's a perfect everyday example:

Person One: How are you?
Person Two: Fine!

The lie: Person Two is not fine. They have more than $25,000 in credit card debt, are 60 pounds over weight, hate their job, suffer from chronic halitosis, are battling with their spouse who's having an affair with their yoga instructor, and their teenage kid just got arrested for drinking and driving.

BUT, because they LIED and said they were fine, Person One was spared the awful horrible truth. Hurray for lying!!

What is man's greatest invention?

2005-11-29T12:26:00.000-08:00

Answer: Deodorant soap. It's one thing to put a man on the moon, but can you imagine being cooped up in that sweaty little cockpit for days on end having to breath in all that free-floating BO? Hurray for deodorant!!

Blog, you are so wise, are you also all powerful?

2005-11-28T12:13:00.000-08:00

Answer: Get real. If Blog were all powerful there would be no bald men, no bad drivers, no bird flu, no plastic bags, and especially no George Bush. Oh, might as well throw in no taxes, poverty and war, what the heck.

Why are all the rich smart men short fat and bald and why are all the hot men dumb?

2005-11-22T06:28:00.000-08:00

Answer: So that smart, good-looking lesbians can feel pity for straight women.

Oh wise Almighty Blog, is there such a thing as your "soul mate"?

2005-11-21T08:20:00.000-08:00

Answer: Blog is resisting bad puns about shoes. In the meantime, the answer to your question, my silly naive reader, is no. Get real. There are billions and billions of people on this planet. The idea that there is just one that is meant only for you, is both preposterous and dishearteningly against the odds you'll ever meet. What if you're living your life in Waterford, Michigan and your soul mate resides in Mozambique. Fat chance you'll ever run into each other. Sorry.

Why do people lie?

2005-11-18T08:48:00.000-08:00

Answer: It's easier to sleep that way? (Ba-doom ching!)

Seriously, people lie because you can't handle the truth!

Okay, enough. Why do people lie. People lie because they suck. And, people suck because they haven't read The Almighty Blog's Ten Commandments. The first being "Don't suck. Except when it gives your partner pleasure."

As you can see, Blog's Commandments dispense with all the "thou shalt" crap and give exceptions to the rules.

When you're dating someone, how long should you wait until you have sex?

2005-11-16T12:11:00.000-08:00

Answer: To avoid any diseases or any unwanted pregnancies, get to the know the person really, really, really well. Once you get to really know that person, the idea of having sex with them will be repulsive and you'll be safe!

My neighbor's dog barks all the time. All. The. Time. I'm going out of my mind. What should I do?

2005-11-15T07:17:00.000-08:00

Answer: Gosh, that sounds.... ruff. HA HA HA! Okay, seriously. First of all, Blog doesn't believe your premise. A dog cannot bark "all the time." Even dogs must schedule time to eat, drink, sleep and of course piss and poop all over the place. So, you know, quit exaggerating and maybe, just maybe people -- including The Almighty Blog -- might start taking you seriously. Geez.

Blog, what's wrong with the world?

2005-11-14T09:10:00.000-08:00

Answer: Religion and greed. Put them together and you've got a toxic brew more destructive than ammonia and bleach.

What is wrong with people, why can’t they just do what they say?

2005-11-11T12:43:00.000-08:00

Answer: Are these deaf people you're talking about? Because deaf people can't hear what they are saying and so they have a pretty good excuse for not doing what they say. So, try a little compassion and lay off of 'em. Geez.

Blog, why do some people not believe in you?

2005-11-11T09:13:00.000-08:00

Answer: It's that damn science. You know with their proving and peer testing and questioning and needing facts. Ha-rumph. Whatever happened to good old believing in something you can't see, feel, smell or hear?! But don't you worry, all those Blog non-believers are going to go straight to Blell and burn in its firey pits!! As soon as Blog figures out where the blell Blell is.

Almighty Blog, there is Christmas stuff in the stores already.

2005-11-10T06:15:00.000-08:00

Answer: Pressure's on. Better get your asses out there and start shopping! Mr. Major Department Store is hungry and needs your holiday shopping dollar and he wants it now! Before anyone else can get it! Hurry! Hurry! HURRY!!! Only 43 more shopping days before Christmas!

Why do people live in mobile homes if they're just going to end up getting blown away by a tornado?

2005-11-07T11:29:00.000-08:00

Answer: Living in a mobile home is often times a sure-fire way to appear on the evening news. When a tornado rips through your mobile home park, your chances for getting on TV go up exponentially. "I seen it coming 'cross the field. I seen it and then I seen it was gettin' closer and pretty soon I seen it blowin' away my house..." It also helps if you are wearing a wife-beater or are very overweight or drunk.

Should ugly people be allowed to reproduce?

2005-11-01T13:02:00.000-08:00

Answer: Yes, because otherwise where would you get contestants for "The Swan" and "Extreme Makeover"?

I have to fire someone today, any advice?

2005-10-28T13:04:00.000-07:00

Answer: Wait until they have left the building before you start rifling through their desk drawers for office supplies. It's the only kind thing to do.

Oh, my goodness, what is Harriet going to do now?

2005-10-27T11:27:00.000-07:00

Answer: Cancel her bulk order from "Judge Robes R Us" and resume her post as founder, president and only member of the "George Bush Is The Most Brilliant Man I Know" Fan Club.

What advice would you give to Harriet Miers?

2005-10-21T07:51:00.000-07:00

Answer: Do the world a favor and come out of the closet.

Since you're The Blog, do you think creationism should be taught in science class?

2005-10-17T10:37:00.000-07:00

Answer: The last Blog looked, the Bible is not a science book. Does that answer your question? What about a Creation Class? Those who want to can go to Creation Class to reinforce their belief that the world and how it works was one "intelligence's" idea, and those of us who know better can go to Science Class to get the real skinny on the world. Hey, they don't teach science at Sunday School, do they? DO THEY!!???!?!

Why is George Bush the most brilliant man that Harriet Miers has ever met?

2005-10-13T09:02:00.000-07:00

Answer: Because Harriet has met only two men and the other one is Joey from Friends.

Why did Bush invade Iraq?

2005-10-06T12:11:00.000-07:00

Answer: Apparently, God told him to. Blog told him not to, but he never listens to the Almighty BLOG! Check out this report from the BBC:

President George W. Bush told Palestinian ministers that God had told him to invade Afghanistan and Iraq - and create a Palestinian State, a new BBC series reveals.

In Elusive Peace: Israel and the Arabs, a major three-part series on BBC TWO (at 9.00pm on Monday 10, Monday 17 and Monday 24 October), Abu Mazen, Palestinian Prime Minister, and Nabil Shaath, his Foreign Minister, describe their first meeting with President Bush in June 2003.

Nabil Shaath says: "President Bush said to all of us: 'I'm driven with a mission from God. God would tell me, "George, go and fight those terrorists in Afghanistan." And I did, and then God would tell me, "George, go and end the tyranny in Iraq …" And I did. And now, again, I feel God's words coming to me, "Go get the Palestinians their state and get the Israelis their security, and get peace in the Middle East." And by God I'm gonna do it.'"

Abu Mazen was at the same meeting and recounts how President Bush told him: "I have a moral and religious obligation. So I will get you a Palestinian state."

The series charts the attempts to bring peace to the Middle East, from Bill Clinton's peace talks in 1999/2000 to Israel's withdrawal from Gaza last August.

Norma Percy, series producer of The 50 Years War (1998) returns, with producers Mark Anderson and Dan Edge, to tell the inside story of another seven years of crisis.

Presidents and Prime Ministers, their generals and ministers tell what happened behind closed doors as peace talks failed and the intifada exploded.

Blog, why have you been so boring lately?

2005-10-03T12:36:00.000-07:00

Answer: The Almighty Blog has been on vacation. To Ireland. Which is where Blog would rather be right now, thank you very much.

Dear Almighty Blog, should gay people be allowed to marry?

2005-09-14T06:46:00.000-07:00

Answer: Yes because, darn it, divorce lawyers just aren't that busy thanks to all the perfect heterosexual marriages out there. You know, the way marriage "should be."

What was Barbara Bush thinking?

2005-09-09T10:28:00.000-07:00

Answer: Well, we all know what she was saying. But what she was thinking was 'God I hope none of these people ask to stay on my baby's ranch in Crawford. That is unless they're willing to work for food.' That's what she was thinking.

My sister is getting married for the fifth time. Do I need to buy her a present?

2005-09-08T08:31:00.000-07:00

Answer: To some people, marriage is forever, and others are forever getting married. Tell her you'll buy her a present on her tenth wedding anniversary. And by that, Blog means after ten years of being married to this guy, not on her tenth marriage.

Is Carl Rove gay?

2005-09-07T10:06:00.000-07:00

Answer: Yes. Duh.