Dear Blog. Yesterday there was a man on a highway overpass with his pants down, showing his everything to the world. What was up with that?

Answer: Oh no. Sounds like Blog's father escaped from the old folks home again. Poor old guy. Guess Blog shouldn't have gotten him that biography on Houdini. Looks like he figured out how to get out of the handcuffs.

Didn't the Pope figure that his remarks would wreak havoc? How irresponsible was that?

Answer: A few weeks ago, Blog and Pope were taking our monthly schvitz when he mentions the speech he's working on. Now, it was hot and Blog was sweating and so we weren't paying too much attention, mostly because we were watching our sweat collect in our belly button. Plus his accent's real thick so it's hard to understand -- especially when there's sweaty water rising in your ears. But when we heard him say that he was going to say something in his speech about the Muslims and their violent faith, we reached over and slapped him -- hard right across the face making that goofy hat of his fall right off. "Don't EVEN think about it," we screamed. "People will die!"

But Pope went right ahead and did it. And now he doesn't think it's funny at all when Blog calls him "Pope the Dope."

What do you think about Bill Clinton's outburst on Fox News?

Answer: That Bill Clinton is one of the smartest men on the planet, and that he should run for president again. If that means more blow jobs in the oval office so be it. It'd be better than the jerk off we've got in there now.

My sister's boyfriend (whom I hate) keeps making passes at me. What should I do??

Answer: Try to love the big oaf. Sounds like he's got a lot of lovin' to go around and obviously your sister's not satisfying him. You could also suggest to your sister that she take an anti-prude course. She sounds like the uptight school marm type. On the other hand, it sounds like her boyfriend thinks you might be kinda slutty. Wow, your parents must have been somethin' to screw you two up like that.

Actually, the more Blog thinks about it, this guy could just be a jerk. A big ole horny jerk. In which case, just eat a lot of raw garlic. Unless he's Italian, those passes will stop right quick.

Blog, can you please tell me why do men spit? In public. On sidewalks. Out of their cars at stop lights. It's so gross.

Answer: There are many, many mysteries in life. This is perhaps one of the biggest. One could easily say that men are disgusting slobs just one notch above the lowliest of farm animals. Though while sometimes true, it's hardly an explanation for why men spit on public sidewalks, their swirling mucus shot with reckless abandon into the path of the unaware -- mothers with babies in strollers, the elderly gingerly picking their way along, people dressed impeccably on their way to job interviews... It can be a veritable spit tsunami some days.

So why DO men spit? Easy: Fear. The men who spit are homophobic. They are afraid that if they "swallow," people will conclude all sorts of things about their sexual proclivity. It's really that simple. Men who spit are afraid of being thought of as gay because they are swallowing a bodily fluid produced by a man -- never mind that it's themselves. (Men who spit also are not that bright.)

My boyfriend and I had sex for the first time last night. But I TOTALLY forgot that I have herpes and didn't tell him. What should I do?

Answer: Okay, let's just get this straight: You forgot you have herpes? You....forgot? You can forget where you put your keys. You can forget your mother's birthday. You can even forget where you parked your car. But you cannot forget you have herpes?! Just exactly what kind of an idiot are you?!?!

Okay, against Blog's better judgment, here's some advice: Don't tell your boyfriend anything. Instead, throw yourself in front of a bus. There will be a funeral and a reception where your boyfriend will get drunk and sleep with one of the waitresses. He'll think he got the herpes from her and you'll be in the clear. It's the only solution.

What's the big deal about Suri Cruise?

Answer: If the world can't obsess over the product of the union of a short, dyslexic, uneducated, misguided, follower-of-martian-religion psycho and his bought-and-paid-for way younger wife, then what's it coming to? Come on people! Git yer minds outta Iraq and off of global warming, the upcoming midterm elections and the crappy economy! We gotta a Hollywood movie star's baby to focus on!

(P.S. Anyone else think it kinda stinky that Tom stole Steve Irwin's gruesome death thunder?)

How do you think Katie Couric will do tonight?

Answer: She'll be fine. Unless she's forgotten how to read for crying out loud. And who gets paid $15 million a year just to read? Blog told the top brass at CBS that we'd do it for half that, but for some reason they weren't interested. And why not? Blog can giggle. Blog's got a big mouth. Blog's got some sexy gams. Geez. AND, Blog is Almighty. Does Katie have that going for her? Huh? Does she? Well, DOES SHE??!?!?