Why won't Bush give us a timeline for getting out of Iraq?

Answer: The simple sad truth is because even though Dubya was graduated from Yale, he never learnt to tell time. So, he couldn't give us a timeline if he wanted to. Can you say "The big hand is on zero"?

Almighty Blog, how long must we put up with Paris Hilton?

Answer: Remember that scene in "Woodstock" where it started to rain and Wavy Gravy got up and told the crowd to chant "No rain! No Rain!" and the rain went away? All together now: No Paris! No Paris! No Paris! LOUDER! NO PARIS! NO PARIS! Come ON! We can do it!! NO PARIS!!!

Is she gone yet?

What's wrong with Tom Cruise? Why is he acting so peculiar lately?

Answer: Some of those other worldly weirdos from Scientology got a hold of him and brainwashed that itty bitty brain inside of that beautiful head 'o his. What he needs is a weekend away alone with Blog to a tropical deserted island to whip some sense back into him. Take his mind off of that goofball made-up take-all-your-money religion; replace all that crapola information with a little carnal knowledge...

Almighty Blog, can we call you "Blog Almighty"? I like the sound of that better.

Answer: Just never say "Blogdammit" and you will please Blog. And, remember, whenever two or more of you gather in Blog's name, you're going to need more than just two six packs.

My sister acts really slutty around my boyfriend. I can tell that he likes it. I'm afraid she's going to steal him from me. What should I do?

Answer: Act sluttier. Duh.

What's the secret to happiness?

Answer: Finding joy in the little things... loving yourself... helping others.... lots and lots of money so you can quit your stupid stinkin' job working for a butthead idiot boss who can't tell his ass from a hole in the ground.... stopping to smell the roses...

Can dreams really come true?

Answer: The dream where you're in the classroom taking a test and you're naked will come true when you attend school in a nudist colony. The one where you're running as fast as you can but you're not getting anywhere comes true when you're on the treadmill at the gym. The falling dream comes true when you get older. So, yes, dreams really can come true.

Do you believe in ghosts?

Answer: Only in the Ghost of Christmas Past and the Ghost of Christmas Present. That Ghost of Christmas Future seemed like a real jerk.

Why does sh*t happen?

Answer: It doesn't. The truth is that the expression "Sh*t happens" is just part of the original phrase, which has been truncated over time. The original phrase - uttered first in roughly 1486 by an observant peasant farm worker while cleaning out the cow barn - was "Sh*t happens to stinketh, so please handeth me thar yonder clothes pineth."

What will Michael Jackson do now?

Answer: First, he will send a complimentary thank-you giraffe to each juror, then he will sell the courtroom pajamas on eBay to help defray the cost of his trial. And, THEN, he's going to start sleeping with little girls for a change.

What was the jury thinking?

Answer: That jury, bless its heart, was thinking that if Michael Jackson went to jail, it would mean that that poor man would have to start having sex with grown men. And, clearly, that is not his preference. So MJ's now free to go home and just beat it.

Is there such a thing as reincarnation?

Answer: Yes. But only if you were a King or a Queen or a famous actor or inventor or something like that in a past life. You'll never meet anyone who was a waitress, farm hand, toll booth operator or an unemployeed homeless drug addict in a past life.

Everyone knows you can wear white pants only between Memorial Day and Labor Day. What about Memorial Day and Labor Day WEEKEND? Is that OK?

Answer: You can. But only if they are white underpants and you wear them on your head. Sorry, but that's just the way fashion goes.

Dear Almighty Blog, Shouldn't we be able to have class outside on beautiful days? The teacher always says no.

Answer: Your teacher sounds like a jerk. How hard would it be to sneak a gun into class? Don't put real bullets in it though, that would be bad. Just hold the gun next to your teacher's head, and threaten to shoot him unless he takes the class outside. Once you're outside, you can put the gun down and enjoy the day.

When will they come out with "Blog, The Movie"?

Answer: The ink isn't even dry yet on "Blog, The Book" and already Blog fans are clamoring for the movie. Brings a tear to Blog's eye (sniff).

Does man have free will?

Answer: Maybe if you go to the library and make a copy from a book and fill it in yourself. Other than that, you usually need a lawyer for a will, and they can be quite costly.

They can put a man on the moon, but they can't find the cure for the common cold. Why?

Answer: In this era of individualtiy, even colds rebel against being "common." The cure for the common cold, is to be unique.